These few years, since I started my masters, I started having all sorts of unfortunate events.

I know I shouldn't have accepted or continued when my title changed into something I don't have passion in. At all.

I was struggling, but yet, I did my best. Adapting, surviving, trying.

But doing things I just don't have interest in, when your work or effort just gets ignored, you will feel lost.

I often stare at the ceiling in my room, thinking, 

WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

Days go by, and things just didn't turn out as I imagined it would be.

No scholarships, no friends.

A boss that doesn't even listen to you, that doesn't care about you at all.

All she wants was 'To make sure everyone listens to me, obey me, and does things according to me'.

Several months go by,

with all sorts of problems, including some from the family, I stayed positive.

But yes, I was so unhappy and stressed.

Just dragging myself to 'WORK' everyday, waiting for the clock to strike 5.

I've never been like this before.

Yes, there were times I was lazy, but was never this lousy, all the time!

My lovely relationship too was breaking apart.

I became spoiled, gets angry at everything all the time.

I said things that shouldn't be said just because.

And yes, well. everyone I love goes away.

I was so depressed.

I couldn't even see myself in the mirror.

I was afraid to go out from my room and meet people.

I could eat or sleep for days.

I left work early and just go to where there's no people, and cry.

I even thought about suicide.

I took my scissors and anything harmful out of my room, just incase I get too tense.

I would stare into the water by the river just thinking about jumping into it.

I would go to the highest level of the building and stare down, and, you know...

I messed up my life big time that point.

Everything was useless.

But alhamdulillah, Allah didn't leave me alone.

He gave me B, she is my hati kering friend, that has always been there, checking me out.

Giving me strength and hope.

And Allah too gave me another mother to look out for me.

I was blessed just having her through messages everyday.

No, she didn't know my real problems and struggle.

But as if she knew, she was there with me, almost everyday.

She asked me to perform tahajjud, gave me all the duas to help me.

And Alhamdulillah.

I was saved.

Things were still horrible (I don't even want to remember it), but I got through, and Allah answered my prayers. Or maybe it wasn't mine, maybe it was from my mom, my family, friends, or my other mom.

Things got better.

I became healthier, mind and heart.

But yes, well, things are still rough until today.

I get these dragging feeling still, but life became easier and lighter.

And at night, there are still those bad memories and feelings haunting me like ghosts.

And I still cry like crazy.

I still feel useless now and then.

But nowadays I remind myself,

That nothing positive will ever happen to you, until you be positive.

For now, I am fine.

I never imagined myself would get into depression, and I never really understand it until I experienced it myself.

Its the worst feelings.

And when people say, they understand and to just move on.

It doesn't work that way.

If you know someone with depression.

Help.